amesplaza

somedays,
i’m not feeling up to my usual par.
these days blend together,
held together by strings of nothingness.
work, errands, chauffering my sister to ice skating practices.
it seems to be a dull movement in my life-
make ames plaza as normal as possible.
baby sitting. pumping gas.
however, good things come to those who wait…
so i’m just waiting…
waiting to return to school.
waiting for my circus.
waiting for the comfort of sleeping in someone else’s arms.
the constant countdown of the days
until i return
from normaltown.
maybe then i’ll have something more interesting to write about
in this stupid little blog.

<3

ames plaza

bored.

she puts her ballet slippers in the freezer
beside the water bottles
and the leftovers.
there is static on the tv
and the drive home took forever going 45.
the roads were filled with rain
in small puddles
reflecting red and green and white.
the lights were blinding.
she stared at the lines…
the music was loud but distant,
she recalled,
staring into the billows of silk
mesh of ballet skirts on the floor.
there it was-
her childhood.
so she hid it away in the freezer
to keep it fresh forever.
in hopes to melt the ice crystals off
in 80 years to start again.

<3

ames plaza

i’m costuming a single night-
it’s going to be a big show!
proper lighting required.
tickets are sold out.
there was only one admitted to this one girl circus.
enter and be damned
into this ring of fire,
where the girls wear pretty sequined outfits
and the boys wear tacky bowties
but it seems fitting in the moment.
are those real diamonds?
most definitely not, my dear.
are those stunts performed without nets?
why, of course they are!
there’s no such thing as safety in this crazed world
inside a circus tent.
what’s this circus you speak of, my love?
well, i believe you’ve answered your own question.
there is too much passion in the circus
but we’re enjoying it while it lasts.
perhaps the show will tour forever.

<3

ames plaza

somethings seem abnormal
as i sit and watch myself from the outside.
there are things i do that i can’t help but laugh at…
for example, throwing up on church property because,
i’ve discovered,
rum is a bitch.
or crying in bed because of something
the boy next to me said-
when, in all reality, it was normal
and i’m the one just flipping out.
my brain has somehow become warped
through all of these circumstances
all these situations
with cops and rapists
and wet and dry parties.
i met who i do not want to be this week,
the people we think are cool now
seem different in the long run perspective.
i saw them
and i couldn’t help but think-
what if that’s me?
what if i turn out that way??
then i puked in the grass in front of a church on my way home.
if i turn out that way,
i swear,
there will be bullets in my brain.

<3

ames plaza

life is a funny little bitch.

this year was full of tragedy and excitement.
i learned to write plays,
love wine,
and live fully.
i learned to trust,
distrust,
and gain trust.
i learned to accept my body
and myself.
i learned how to deal with tough situations.
i started a movement.
i had scares
i had trips to far away places.
i gained a nickname,
friends,
and lovers.
i fell in and out of love.
i was used,
abused,
and stepped upon.
i used people.
i drank too much.
i smoked too much.
and i danced my ass off.
i kissed in the snow with live christmas music.
i experienced magic.
i ate chinese food with friends
and i have woken up at three in the afternoon.
i slept naked
i slept in someone else’s bed,
on couches,
and on floors.
i moved out.
i went to college.
i had fun,
learned a lot about people and about myself
and have gained a whole new outlook on life.
what did 2008 do for you?
(leave comments, let me know!)

2009 holds these mysteries:
will i drive my boyfriend crazy?
will i learn to love myself fully?
will i ever make money with this blog?
will i ever write another book?
will i ever get published?
will i be able to keep up my grades?
will i fall in love?
the future is a mystery, my dear.
it’s scary,
but i can’t wait!

<3

ames plaza

don’t forget to let me know about your year!!!

I’ve decided to start a revolution! It’s Revolution Rape Prevention and Awareness and you need to get involved as soon as possible. It’s so important for people to realize that rape is occuring and no one is doing anything about it. I have been there. Some of my good friends have been there and our universities are sweeping us under the rug to save face. There are rapists getting away with the attrocities they’ve committed and it’s disgusting. It’s time to raise awareness of what’s really going on on college campuses. It’s time to raise awareness of what’s happening right under our noses and the police are just hiding it. (I was blamed for my own rape in order to pressure me to drop charges. I did and they made me give away my right to reinstate them.) Please join the revolution. Spread the word and spread hope. Rape is all too common and it has to stop.

Join on Facebook:
http://www.new.facebook.com/group.php?gid=52512319056

Join on Myspace:
http://groups.myspace.com/revolutionrapeprevention 

<3

amesplaza

thanks!!!!!

our eyes were lit up by the glow of the screen
and i was staring into yours.
what movie?
this is our time-
our time to revel in the beauty of blue lighting.
we were illuminated
as i kissed you,
knowing no one was around to see…
the empty theater bellowing noise
to preoccupied ears.
i wanted to say it
but my lips couldn’t make the correct shapes.
my voice wouldn’t make the sounds come out.
i was a mute.
i could only smile
and let it grow-
let the words grow inside of me
until they burst out like fireworks oneday.
until then, i will be here
in this blue light waiting…
waiting for my moment to explode.

<3

ames plaza

oh god. i’m so happy!

somedays we reflect
like our faces in pond water.
we echo
like voices in a tunnel.
we fold
like dough in a grandmother’s hands.
i watch the stars and wonder what life would be
without these experiences
to humble me and challenge me.
i like the struggle
the fight
the battle to make peace with myself once more.
and everytime i piece myself back together
with these band-aids and glue
i feel like life is so beautiful.
i want to live forever in these moments.
i feel weightless
and full of life and love and energy.
i feel more whole than i’ve ever felt before
and it’s beautiful
to wander aimlessly down cold winter sidewalks
and drive down the streets just to look at the lights.
this is when life is justified;
when everything finally goes right
and i can remember why i kept on living
and i didn’t just give up on myself
and on the world.
it’s beautiful
you just have to find it.

as things progress
in this tiny world i live in,
i find myself drifting into affections easily
and it feels so good.
i go to counciling
i go to movies
i go to sweetness.
there is sweetness in this sadness.
i’ve stopped moping
and now i don’t have to smoke to keep myself this sane.
i’ve returned to writing.
i’ve returned to loving
and surviving.
i’m waking up and loving.
i’m waking up and smiling
in the arms of a new one.
he’s not a rapist
not even fucking close.
and, love, it’s finally all right.
i’m finally at peace with myself again.
i do my hair and make-up
and i’mnot afraid to drink and have a good time.
i’ve got myself under control.
i’ve got these feelings under control.
i feel all right.
i am moving on
and i am surviving.
kiss me good night
and kiss me good morning.
i’ll be smiling the whole time.

<3

ames plaza

[oh yeah. she’s not single.]

no fucking capitals.

the days pass slowly.
there are encounters between the victim
and the victimizer.
we are unable to avoid each other, it seems.
i try my best to run away
and seek refuge in the arms
of someone who i know doesn’t love me.
he probably never will…
still i seek the attention he gives me
and i smile affectionately.
and pray that one day things will be fine.
i will be all right.
i can’t wait to see what each day brings
becasue each day is a step further away from then.

<3

ames plaza