amesplaza

the room is dark
and there are hands moving.
there are lips touching.
and i’ve had way more than a bottle of wine.
i forgot how much he’d had.
i took all the neccessary precautions-
lock doors, text roomie, he found a condom.
but here i am.
and i know that i don’t really want it-
i feel so disconnected in this life.
i have no emotional attachment
but there’s now some sort of physical one.
please let me turn back those hours
so i wouldn’t wake up at seven am
and realize that he had left
with not so much as a goodbye.
i dressed myself,
washed my soiled hands,
and returned to that filthy bed
to try and sleep away the memory.

it lingers.
i think it was rape.
i never consented.

<3

ames plaza

i don’t capitalize.

it’s nine pm
and i’ve been drinking away these feelings
i am unsure.
very unsure.
i almost fucked a future lawyer.
i made out with a guy i thought cared about me.
and here i am,
coming off as this giant ass whore
in my band tee
all ready for the punk party.
i’ve been drinking all night.
i’ve been drinking for a long time.
and i can’t feel any better sober.
and i can’t feel any better drunk.
and i keep wondering what the fuck i’m thinking.
what the fuck am i thinking?
stop the car.
it’s an emergency.
i’m losing my mother fucking mind
waiting for more alcohol to arrive.
word, love.
i just need to die over here
in this town where dreams die
and the chinese food is good.

<3

ames plaza

i’m not feeling like myself
i’m feeling soulless,
lifeless….
i, like legos, can be disconnected.
i am not the same person i used to be.
i am disconnected.
and i’m trying to find my place in this mess.
there is laundry piling up around me
and food rolling in my stomach from eating too much.
breathing takes more work than it used to
and sometimes i feel like it’s a concious effort
to make my heart beat.
i lift my legs slowly when i walk
though the shoes weigh nothing close to concrete.
the sidewalk seems to move against me.
the cold eats away at my hair and skin and lips.
the cigarettes seems to disappear
and the words seem to get lost inside me these days.
it’s not that i dislike myself
it’s not that i dislike people.
i just dislike the annoying habits
and the stupidity
and the naivity
and the inability of girls my age to just act with dignity.
where is the self respect?
and where are the girls who don’t need the attention
of every guy she’s ever known?
i sometimes wonder if i am one of them
or if it’s just this place is taking it’s shitty toll on me.
i think i’m going to disappear into the walls of my dorm
just melt like candle wax
and crumble like play dough left out by careless children
so you can sweep me away.
i will be happy then.

<3

ames plaza

[antisocial bitchface]

it has been a week
of big life decisions;
decisions to stay in school.
decisions to change schools.
decisions to leave the state.
these thoughts have made me change.
it has become less about the high school-like drama
in this shitty university.
it has become more about finding out where i need to be in life.
i’m not sure what will make me truly happy.
but i know it certainly doesn’t come from a bottle.
i just know that one day,
very shortly,
i will be leaving
and maybe find myself back in one piece.

<3

ames plaza

[new york here i come]

nights like this
make me wish i was more substantial,
make me wish i was more interesting,
more exciting,
more likeable.
i wear this make-up to make you fall in love with me-
to make you more attracted to me.
i wear these clothes to show you what i have
and make you wonder what exactly is beneathe them
so maybe, one day, you can rip them off.
but here i am,
in this lonely empty dorm room,
listening to music on my laptop
and drinking cups of coffee
to keep myself sane.
i smoked a half pack today
just waiting for something to happen
out in the coldness surrounding me;
i became numb.
it was a sort of suspension.
i wore my fake glasses.
but i’d rather take them off and stare at yours.
i’d rather be holding someone’s cold hand
than holding my own.
and i’d rather be sleeping in your bed
than on this shitty twin sized mattress.
hold me.
and touch me.
and tell me everything is all right
when it’s not.
let me cry.
make me laugh.
and sit silently with me in the dark,
fingers straying
lips moving softly against one another’s-
lightly.
let’s play these little games;
i don’t mind if you tease me.
just, please, follow through,
and be my friend.
be more than my friend.
belong to me one day.
one day….
fall in love with me.

<3

ames plaza

we’re always trying to find some medium
some form of flattery
to engage the other.
and when it comes to drunken mistakes-
we ruin everything.
I ruin everything.
and now the movies we watched would not suffice.
and the music i play seems dull.
and the color in my hair seems faded.
and the gleam in my eye is reflected somewhere else…
i find it difficult
to fix the situation.
and find the time
to try and repair this friendship
and make it fuse back together.
fuse…
fuse…
fuse it back to what we had
back then.
before i went to far.
i think we could have been more than this situation.

<3

ames plaza

this house is freezing with the idea
of death
of drama
of leaving…
be it days or forever.
i miss my coffin sized dorm.
i miss the discomfort of my ancient dorm mattress.
i miss the musty smell of the haunted building
and the sight of the chipped wood floors.
i miss the sounds of genres of music colliding in the hallways-
creating this sonic boom of college kid anxiety and disinterest.
i miss the awkward feeling
of running into the drunk mistake
(perhaps he wasn’t a mistake?)
and trying to laugh it off
and say it was the bottle of wine that made my lips move
not the feelings inside of me.
i left this weekend because i was scared
to stay alone on that lifeless campus.
i left because i was trying to escape.
now all i want to do is return.

<3

ames plaza